The Human Sacrifice Network

During arguments at the United States Supreme Court on October 6, 2009, Justice Antonin Scalia posed the question of whether a Human Sacrifice Channel would be permissible. That got me to thinking.

Maybe we could see something like this.

[It has been called to my attention that I neglected to include a disclaimer such as "This is a work of fiction. Any resemblence to any person or place is purely coincidental." Believe me: These people are all phony. The whole idea of a Human Sacrifice Channel is phony. This was written more for its sick humor value than as something to provide any enlightenment, but if you see just a glimpse of some strange truth comes through, I guess that it is all right. RS]

The camera is closing in on television news set. Behind desks are Kirk Kuddly, a blond, tanned, thirty-something man and Missy Mark, also thirty-something, similarly tanned and complected. They are the hosts of Human Sacrifices Network’s “Big Sacrifice of the Week” program. Both are wearing light blue blazers with an HSC logo on the front pocket.

KIRK: Good evening, and welcome to Sacrifice of the Week. We have something special for you this week, don’t we, Missy.

MISSY: Absolutely, Kirk. This week we are going to New Orleans for the Michael Brown hurricane avoidance sacrifice, our country’s annual American sacrifice to the hurricane gods.

KIRK: Yes, and this will be the first year that the Michael Brown Sacrifice has been back in New Orleans after spending the last dozen years in Miami. The citizens of New Orleans invested plenty in building this new Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium to replace the Superdome which the priests and priestesses had declared unfit because of its roof and, besides, was beginning to show its age and did not provide the improved sight lines and luxury boxes that the new Ronald Trumpet Plaza Sacritorium provides. Participants have been going absolutely gaga over the locker room and other accommodations, which are state of the art.

MISSY: Yes, the new retractable dome at the Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium allows for maximum comfort for observers to be out of the weather while assuring that the sacrifices will be able to go directly to the gods without a roof blocking the way.

KIRK: We will be back in a little bit with interviews with some of the aspiring sacrifices, a talk with our HSN analysts, Bob Coast and Gust Rants and Opal Windey talking to some of the crowd at the Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium as we approach this big event, but first some important messages.

[The scene changes to a bedroom. A man and a woman are laying in bed, talking. Their bodies are under the covers.]

WOMAN: Damn it, honey. You really need to see that doctor about that.

MAN: I don’t have a problem. I really don’t. It’s just that I am having too much pressure now, at work, here, everywhere. It won’t happen again. Just give me a day or two.

WOMAN: It has been every day for the last six weeks and we really need to be closer. You need to see the doctor about that erectile dysfunction. He can give you something.

MAN: But, its sooo embarrassing to talk about that kind of thing.

WOMAN: Maybe so, but it's sooo frustrating to be with somebody who has it. You really owe it to me to give it a chance and see the doctor. And remember: if the problem continues you might not be allowed to be sacrificed when your time comes. And that would be REALLY embarrassing.

[The picture dims. A female announcer is heard.]

ANNOUNCER: It’s really not that hard, guys. Especially not when you consider the alternatives. If you are having this problem, visit your doctor and ask him or her whether a prescription of Vialgro would help you. For many men, it brings them back to life.

[Singers sing jingle: “Let it grow. Get Vi-al-gro. Vi-al-gro. Your in-te-rest will show.” (repeated)]

[Kirk and Missy reappear on screen.]

KIRK: Before we go back inside the Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium, let’s go outside of it where there seems to be a protest going on. Wanda Williams is there. What’s happening, Wanda?

[Screen is split and Wanda Williams, a tall, athletic looking black woman, also thirty-something and wearing a light blue blazer with the HSN logo appears.]

WANDA: Well, these are picketers from an organization, a new one I never heard of before, called Preserve Traditional Sacrifice, or PST I guess is the acronym they are using. They are opposed to the recent vote to allow gay and lesbian priests and priestesses officiate at sacrifices. They say that they think any American chosen for sacrifice should be entitled to know that his or her sacrifice will be conducted in accordance with traditional American family values. This is Emmy Lou. She’s one of the group.

[A short, sixty-something white woman with her gray hair in a bun comes on the screen. She is overly made up and her lipstick looks garishly purple on high-definition television. Kirk and Missy disappear.]

WANDA: What has your group so excited today, Emmy Lou? They haven’t even named today’s offerings yet?

EMMY LOU: You can call me Mrs. Schaffer, ma’am. We are concerned that so many of our country’s traditions are being assaulted these days, that there seems to be a great conspiracy to abandon marriage and family and the right to raise our own children. They took prayer out of our schools and put Darwin in and they are taking away our guns and telling us that we have to be friends with the Muslims and Buddhists and gays and Japs and blacks. [pause] No offense intended, Wanda.

WANDA [almost snorting]: Well, offense was intended and taken. And it is Ms. Williams to you. Well, thank you for your comment. Back to you, Missy and Kirk.

[Kirk and Missy are back on screen. Wanda disappears.]

KIRK: Well, I guess we know where she stands. Well, Missy, the pundits are suggesting that the frontrunners this year are Jessica Mills, Tiffany Skorczeski, Bobbi Jo Johnson, Adam Everson, and the perennial candidate, Pretty Jean from California. What is your take on this?

MISSY: Well, most of the experts seem to give Bobbi Jo the best chance. She’s young from the Arkansas Ozarks and has been the runner up at several of the big sacrifices already. They won’t sacrifice Adam. They haven’t chosen a man for any major sacrifice in almost twenty years. The President asked that the men be saved for sacrifice in the war on terrorism in the Mid East and most sacrifice organizations have gone along. And as an advocate for all in our society to have equal opportunities, the lack of consideration being given to African American women in recent years does offend me and Jessica Mills is only being listed as a contender for the show and tokenism, that they don’t really intend to choose a black woman. Everybody already knows too much about Pretty Jean since she spouted off on gay marriage in front of national cameras and got kicked out of that California sacrifice.

KIRK: And that was under orders of Mr. Ronald Trumpet himself who owned that sacrifice. He forgave her once but she would not shut up.

MISSY: That’s right. A lot of people think the gods should only get our best and do not feel that Pretty Jean is one of them.

KIRK: So is Tiffany Skorczeski your pick?

MISSY: It seems to be that way. Of course, there are other contenders and sometimes they give us a surprise.

KIRK: Well, the Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium is starting to fill up. We can see that the lines to go through security are starting to back up a bit. But I understand that Rick Stanley has Pretty Jean standing by. Let’s go to him.

[Kirk and Missy disappear and the screen goes to a room under the Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium where Rick Stanley, a tall dark-haired man who looks like he is sixty trying to pass for forty is preparing to interview a blonde woman of medium height.]

RICK: We’re here with Pretty Jean who probably needs no more introduction. Pretty Jean is here trying to compete to be this year’s sacrifice to the hurricane gods. Tell me, Pretty Jean, what do you think your chances are this time? You’ve been so close so many times.

PRETTY JEAN: Well, Rick, I’m a known quantity and I have so much to offer. And my agent has been doing some research and we have found out that some of the girls here have implants. I have passed all my steroid tests and I don’t need no implants. The priestess won’t have any silicone getting in her way when she has to get her knife out and get down to business. It’s just me.

[Pretty Jean suddenly pulls her shirt up and reveals two natural breasts. The camera quickly pulls away and the technicians immediately work to make sure that they block the picture being sent during the delay period.]

RICK: Hey! Watch that, Pretty Jean. This is a family station. We could be in a lot of trouble if our technical people didn’t catch that in time. We can’t show those assets of yours to the public.

PRETTY JEAN: I’m sorry, Rick. I guess I’m just too involved and too concerned. I’ve come so close too many times and I think it is time people recognized me for the assets I have. And I hear that Rachel Clinton is going to do the sacrifice and I am an admirer of hers. And I know that she is heterosexual and would be a good choice to do the honors.

RICK: Yes, they’re bringing Rachel from her usual post at the Cotton Mather Sacritorium in Ipswitch, Massachusetts to preside over the honors today. Well, we’ll be going back to Kirk and Missy.

[The screen reverts to Kirk and Missy.]

MISSY: She sure cannot get over that homophobia, can she? But she does seem really anxious this time, almost as if this is to be her last try. She almost made us lose our license, but the enthusiasm and anxiety behind that gesture both showed.

KIRK: Yes, and what she showed us as natural looked just as good as some of the enhanced ones I’ve seen. Well, we’re just about to the interviews. Let’s take this commercial break first.

[Kirk and Missy disappear. Several scenes of groups of twenty- and thirty-something people playing volleyball, surfing, playing pick-up basketball, and playing tennis appear, mixed in with scenes of them lifting a light, foamy beverage from large clear mugs. Bottles which had contained Stiller beer are displayed, the logos clearly evident. There is music in the background The music fades and an announcer is heard.]

MALE VOICE: Yes, when you live with gusto, real gusto, you just want Stiller beer with you. Stiller beer goes so well with all your good times.

SECOND MALE VOICE, speaking quickly: Stiller beer is for people of legal age only. Please drink responsibly.

[Kirk and Missy reappear.]

KIRK: The question period is about to begin. We go now to the main stage at the Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium.

[The screen switches to a podium inside the sacritorium. Before anybody can happen, there is a quick switch to a news studio.]

NEWSCASTER: We break into this program to tell you that due to military reversals in Afghanistan that the president has called for a mass sacrifice of men for Tuesday. We will have more details later. Back to you, Kirk and Missy.

[Kirk and Missy reappear.]

MISSY: And we’ll be showing that here on HSC. Those always are crowd pleasers.

KIRK: We will return to the Ronald Trumpet Sacritorium where host Samuel Sewell is interviewing Brittany Lance, the former teen singing idol who is trying a comeback, this time as a sacrifice.

BRITTANY LANCE: . . . so I think the world will be a lot better if we can all get over these things and I hope my sacrifice will bring a good year to New Orleans and Florida and East Carolina and Albuquerque and Spokane and all of the other areas which get hurricanes.

SAM: Thank you, Brittany. And now . . .

MISSY: Opal Windey is with Peggy Sue Nelson right now. Let’s go to her.

[Screen shifts to Opal and Brittany.]

OPAL: How do you think it went, Brittany.

PEGGY SUE: [while chewing gum]: I don’t think I’ve ever been in front of so many people before. I hope it did not unnerve me too much. But I think it was pretty cool.

OPAL: You performed in front of big crowds when you were singing with the Kooltoans.

BRITTANY: Yeah, but that was a long time ago and it was something different. And I was usually so stoned that I didn’t notice it all that much.

OPAL: And now that you are clean, you think you are an acceptable candidate for sacrifice, right?

BRITTANY [popping her gum]: That’s right, Opal.


This is the end of part one. I am not certain that there will be a second part, but I do find the idea of human sacrifice as a part of show business [and civic life] interesting. RS